Ode to Officer Cole
M Alan Roberts

I wanted to take a minute to pay homage to all of the wonderful governmental employees around our fine country. Let's face it, without them, everything would probably come to a crashing halt. I mean, what would we do without all of those heartless robots in place to guide us and help us to prosper. I think we would be ever so lost.

Case in point is my probation officer. Officer Cole, I thank you. I mean that sincerely.

It makes me feel so much better knowing that at any moment, you and your steroid-injected friends can come crashing through my door and haul me off to jail just because you may be having a bad day. I understand. We have to keep all of those new correctional facilities filled to capacity.

It really shouldn't matter that our schools are falling apart and lacking quality teachers. I understand why we must continue to funnel all of those tax dollars into a seemingly outrageous amount of jails and prisons.

It gives me hope and a deep feeling of security to know I live in a country that truly cares for the welfare of its people. I have a feeling of rooted serenity and peacefulness to know that I, like everyone else, am subject to the seemingly preposterous powers granted to officers of the law like yourself, Officer Cole.

Since I have had the generous pleasure of your involvement in my life, my world has been bettered. Without the freedoms of a real person, I am far more likely to advance myself and avoid the challenges presented by free thought. Never mind those people who say that it is the corrupt government that actually perpetuates crime for its own profit.

You and I know the truth, don't we, Officer Cole? We know that free thought is evil and that the ability of the common man to have the freedom to choose his own life path simply should be extinguished with brutal authoritarianism.

I keep a picture of you on every wall in my house, Officer Cole. Wherever I go, there you are. That helps to relax me - to keep me centered. Seeing your stern face everywhere that I turn keeps my evil mind at bay and dissuades me from committing further atrocities against my fellow humans.

I know that there is a smile under there for me - and that's what I see. I know that you care for me. When I cook my meals, you are there to offer me advice as to which spices might make me misbehave. When I make my bed, you are there to bounce that quarter on the sheets. When I am at my desk writing, there you are too, to help me not say the wrong things. I wouldn't want to mislead anyone or make them think incorrectly. And when I have to use the restroom, you are especially with me then.

I keep a small picture of you in my wallet too. I show it to all of my friends and family - sometimes even to strangers. I want them to understand how neat that I think that you are. I want them to know that you are like a big brother - or even a father - to me.

It doesn't matter that I am 15 years older than you. I know that the government has trained you to be able to read my mind and intentions. I know that you are the smarter of us two. You are a highly-skilled and socially-just administer of compassion and decency and I am extremely appreciative for every second that we spend together.

Thank you again, Officer Cole. I guess, in a platonic way, I love you.