Happy Holidays
M Alan Roberts

Ah the holidays! Such wonderful times of the year. Families reunite. Lovers spend romantic time together. Wary bones are rested. Simplicity and togetherness are rediscovered and bonds are strengthened. Yeah, right! Holidays are farces sponsored by the greeting card companies, jewelers and other retailers to induce massive guilt trips on the poor and middle classes - sort of like the US government.

I can't stand anymore freakin' holidays and I'll be happy to tell you why. Let's take a look at the King of all Holidays; Christmas. The birth of Christ is surely an amazing event - one worth celebrating. Now, that being said, let's be real about this day of supposed remembering and joyous bliss. First of all, if you don't produce loads of cash for this day of sharing and love, you are screwed. That's a fact. The Christmas season is chock full, every year, with people who are steaming full speed ahead for months in advance trying to ensure the "perfect Christmas". They wish each other merry days as they curse violently under their breath and punch the dashboards of their cars in private. They go in debt for the next six months to show that they are the very epitome of generosity. They stay in stressed-out states of crippling anxiety for months afterward -- long after their gifts are forgotten, hocked, exchanged or sold at yard sales.

"But, what about the children?", I hear you cry out.

I will ask a question: How many times have you seen a child blast the wrappings off of his or her presents like Hurricane Charley looking for that one present that they are really wanting? When it isn't the "one", they quickly discard the gift and grab the next or (if they are made to) wait for their turn again. Even if they are made to stand up, give hugs and show thanks, you can still sense the disappointment - you can still feel the guilt. You failed. You are a bad present provider. You do not care enough. Loser!

Christmas is supposed to be about Christ and remembering what he stood for and professed. Why isn't it good enough to give out some good bread and wine like he did then?

Five days after Christmas, you are supposed to have loads of cash again to celebrate the New Year. Be ready!

My favorite, as a struggling writer, is St. Valentine's Day -- the day of romantic love. Oh the joy that I feel as every other commercial on television shows me the loss leaders of the jewelry stores - every on within a 500 mile radius of wherever I am. I see it in my lady's eyes and hear it in her voice: "Look, you can get that for only $299." Hog crap! If you show up with the loss leader, you are again labeled a cheap failure. She knows that was the one for the least expense. She tries to show her "overwhelming appreciation" while feeling inside that if you truly cared, you would have dug a little deeper. So, it's off to the bank for a loan. You have no extra funds because you're still only two months in to paying off your enormous Christmas expenditures, which are long forgotten in this season of love.

Let's not forget that also in February is Groundhog's Day, Superbowl Sunday, Ash Wednesday, Lincoln's and Washington's Birthdays.

Next month is St. Patrick's Day, Good Friday and then Easter. Happy April Fool's Day!

Beginning in May, we can look forward to Cinco de Mayo, Mother's Day, Armed Forces Day, Flag Day, Father's Day, Parent's Day, Halloween, Election Day, Hanukkah, and then back to Christmas or Kwanzaa. Holy crap! That doesn't even account for the birthdays of those you actually know and who are living; graduations, weddings, NASCAR Sundays and WWE Pay-Per-View Days. Soon, there will be more days to observe something "special" than there are regular days - and they all cost money!

Even the holidays that used to be enjoyable have now been turned into crazed misrepresentations of their true meanings. I quit. So, this is the last time that you will ever hear me say: Happy Freakin' Holidays!