Minivan Moms
Matt Seinberg

I had the most annoying week on the road. Everywhere I drove there was a minivan mom on the phone, thinking she owned the road. They were not paying attention to anything else going on around them.

Driving with the radio on can be distracting enough

These self-absorbed women shouldn't be alone in any vehicle, much less a minivan or any type of SUV with kids in them. Driving with the radio on can be distracting enough. If you have young kids sitting behind you, screaming for another video, wanting something to eat or drink or needing to go potty, that's enough to make anyone crazy, much less a crazy woman in the driver’s seat.

I'm wary enough when I'm near one of these women, living in constant fear of what they may, or may do at any given moment. Too many times, another car, without as much as a turn signal, has cut me off. I see the reflection of the driver in her left side mirror; she’s talking merrily away with her cell phone glued to an ear. “Hey lady, haven't you ever heard of a blue tooth ear bud or connecting the phone to your car via blue tooth?” I guess not.

You enter a parking lot. Then you see a minivan circling around looking for a spot. Be careful, you don't want to get into an argument with one of these crazy women. If they're alone the can be very dangerous. If there are kids in the car, they may be a little more careful with their words, but the nasty intent is still there.

Black Friday is lunacy.

Don't get me started on Black Friday! These women get truly crazy when they're up at 5 am to go shopping! God help anyone who gets in her way on the road or in a store. They are vicious to the core. They will fight you tooth and nail for that last super toy that they want for their kids. Never mind that you want the same one. You have to wonder if a battle royal is worth it.

I've worked on more Black Fridays than I care to remember. This year, 2015, was by far one of the busiest. I work near a large Toys R Us. Watching these moms load up their minivans, with plastic crap, is sickening.

Sometimes kids are more interested in the large boxes the toys come in than the toys themselves. Mom could have saved a ton of money just by buying a large box and decorating that. Now, there’s an idea for next holiday season: a box toy.

Here's a fact about most minivan moms: they love to show off the "things" they have. That includes the newest and most expensive minivan or SUV, her "perfect" children that are nothing but brats because they see how Mom behaves; that diamond tennis bracelet that cost more than the minivan.

I have years of practice as a jaded person, this time of year.

It takes years of practice to be as cynical and jaded as I am. I've been a watcher of human nature for so long that I could hang out a shingle and council all these crazy people. I could tell them how annoying they act and everyone else know sit.

Maybe I'll have enough money to buy that big SUV. The truth is, I wouldn't be caught dead in a minivan.